The Life-Altering Turn

I haven't written in ages, I think I've forgotten how to write.


I haven't really felt like writing in a long time, I still don't.

And even if I did feel like writing, what could I possibly write about?


Let's see...

Renovations to my house: done. Nothing extremely spectacular though. My room's not changed much, but then again it's always been fabulous anyway. Hard to improve on perfection.

No pictures. Sorry.

Trip to Beijing: yup, and I have the empty pockets to prove it. My money, which used to be my sweat and blood, is now a pile of fake crocs and BB creams.

Got to ride on the fast train from Beijing to Tianjin. Not as fast as the bullet train, but at least way faster than the Commuter.



Brother: married. Might have pictures. Need consent before uploading for the world to see.

My mom: back in Beijing. Moving to a new house in July.


Me personally?

Job: nil.
School: who knows.
Love life: what?

What am I doing right now? Uuh. Sitting on my ass. Catching up on my downloads.

Oh, and dealing with grief and battling against depression.



Any insignificant changes?

I recently tried colored contact lenses. Hazel brown. And crystal gray yang macam hantu. I like it. It scares people off.

My hair is longer. And I rebonded it and dyed it blonde.
Just kidding.

Paid for a manicure. This one's true.

My favorite pair of sneakers right now is yellow.

I've never had yellow colored shoes before. At least now no one will run over my feet if I'm standing on the road in the dark.

Bought a Nintendo DSi in matte white.

My newest companion and love connection, I guess.


My pets?

Months ago I surrendered custody of the pigs to him. They're doing fine over there. I miss them badly but it might actually be better for them this way. *SIGH*

Hmmmm. They would definitely love straw filled donuts!


My cat has officially retired from cathood and is now living as a recluse in a lakeside resort somewhere south of here.

Si putih... is no longer putih, but still barks strangers away, so I say looks shouldn't matter much.


Animals are great. In fact, quite a portion of my money has gone towards the upkeep of the bird park, I must say. How many times have I been there just this past year alone...?


I must say, what drives me there...

is to see him and his relatives.

*SIGH*

Alright, this is quite an achievement for someone who did not feel like writing.

I'll stop here.

♥,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,♥

My dear friends,

those who are nowhere near me, I apologize if my emails have gotten very slow lately. I'm trying my best. Please believe me.

those who are back for the summer/winter, I apologize if I have not been quite reachable. I don't quite feel as sociable, but I am trying my best. Again, please believe me.

those who have yet to return... I hope I won't have to extend more apologies, but in the event that I have to... please understand. It's not been easy.


I miss him very badly, I've lost my footing and all bearing, and not even real life can distract me from the fact that I am no longer alive.

I know the intention is to help, but please, the best help right now is to not try to tell me what you think I should do. Because first of all I'm not you, and second, I'm still not capable of doing that which you think I should do.


I am weak and fragile and afraid. I am confused and angry and dejected.


After ten weeks, I still cry myself to sleep every night.
Every night.

I'm not curable, not fixable right now, there is nothing you can prescribe to help ease the pain.


The bleeding heart refuses to stop bleeding.

For now, forever, I don't know for how long.






Please tell me, what do you think is the proper mourning period for the passing of someone you've loved with all your heart for what feels like an entire lifetime...?



I am destroyed.
Believe me.